dating a woman with ptsd

What It's Really Like Dating Someone with PTSDHow to quote someone with PTSD changed my perspectiveHealth and well-being touch us differently. This is a person's story. When Wayne and I met, we were children with careless lives and child-stripping. I'd go home to play a table game with his friends; he would come to mine to watch a movie. Inhaling shakes in Jamba Juice together was our definition of "making us serious." We didn't go to the same school, so speaking on the phone for a couple of hours at a time was the highlight of my day. I think we talked about the latest fantasy novels we'd read or about what I wanted to write about. He could imagine amazing and fantastic lands with words and drawings, and I knew he wanted to live in the worlds of his creation. We were sure that the biggest challenge we had faced was to be destroyed when Wayne's family moved 3,000 miles east of California. We've been seven years, and we reconnected when I got a phone call from him while he was on board a 3,000-mile-west aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Despite the years of silence between us, I thought our friendship would rise right where it was gone. In those early days of appointments, we did not sit down and had a formal conversation about . But it soon became clear that the challenges of our childhood were about to be overcome. A couple of months to leave, I started to notice Wayne's distinctive seal. We ran into someone he served while he was deployed. As soon as we were alone again, Wayne could not focus on our conversation, become visibly frustrated, and would not want to talk about what was making him emotional. I started to understand that certain subjects were beyond limits, and that hurt a lot. Sometimes I realized that he had nightmares, and sometimes he spoke in his dream and his sound was distressed. These things shook me up. I'd get into the comforting partner mode, but it didn't seem to help. I didn't want to talk about it, no matter how much I expressed a desire to listen. I didn't want hugs or attention or sympathy. I couldn't even convince him to play a video game (one of his favorite things to do) right now. Suddenly, everything I had learned about supporting your partner seemed to be wrong. Why wasn't my shoulder robust enough to cry? I also struggled to understand Wayne's reactions to touch and sound. Running behind him to give him a hug (or even taking his hand) was a great non-no. He masturbated violently, stood up and was ready to go to action and take whatever physical threat he found. (Fortunately, she would quickly realize that she was just her 4'11 girlfriend.") The first time I was with him when we heard the sounds of the fireworks blowing up—but I couldn't see the source of the noise—I thought it would never recover. Again, I felt defeated—and like a failure as a couple—when I could not calm down the pain. To spend that year of appointments and keep our relationship intact, I had to learn many lessons. Letting Expectations For a long time, I clinged to unjust expectations that had been set to watch the Tropes play a million times in movies: One person is hurting. They find the perfect partner who takes the pain away. The prince finds the owner of the glass slipper, and his life is complete. Happily afterwards, the end. I let my fairytale expectations cause damage and misunderstanding. I kept waiting for Wayne to get emotionally open from the trauma he had experienced. I made accusations about his lack of love when he didn't. I clung to assumptions that after a little more time together, nightmares would disappear. When these things didn't happen, I felt the problem was with me. It was also important to remind me that in the case of PTSD, time does not heal all wounds. Because PTSD is associated with a specific trauma or traumatic events, it was easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that the furthest of the Wayne trauma has, the more the condition would fade. After all, this has been my experience in the light of painful events. But I don't have PTSD. In some cases, time doesn't fix things. But it gives us the opportunity to grow and change the way we face, this goes to the person with PTSD and his partner. Now, I know there are times when I just need to let Wayne take care of what he needs. When I see the anguish on his face, I can reach his hand, but I remember myself not to be offended if he remains silent. Learn the triggers Some triggers you will learn through direct communication, but others that may need to experience first-hand. That first time we listened to fireworks while we were inside a souvenir shop, our worry-free time quickly became anxious. It was then that I learned the importance of connecting strong noises with a vision of what is causing them. Once we were out and we could see the source of the noise, we could enjoy the screen together. With Wayne, no comforting conversation would replace the comforting view of an harmless fireworks screen. But everyone with PTSD is different. Some may need more human interaction, such as a handshake or simple words of security, when activated. My friend Kaitlyn also takes care of PTSD. She told me that when her PTSD is shot, she can experience a "above anxiety" and continually dwell in thoughts that are hurting her. In these times, your partner's physical contact can be comforting: "If... I can't leave a topic that I find triggering because it brought traumatic pain from child abuse, it is better to tighten my hand and let me hear you say 'I love you. '"Ask for help When you are dating someone with PTSD, one of the most important things you can do is communicate. Although this means communicating with one another, it can often include talking to someone else as well. On more than one occasion, Wayne and I went to counseling. Looking back, I realize that perhaps counseling itself did not always help. But we both showed the will to try to talk about our commitment among us. Even if you don't see a counselor, help talk to others when you need help. It's important that the people you invite in are people you trust. Kaitlyn shared with me how his relationship was downhill after a third party got involved, because that person turned out to be someone Kaitlyn later learned that he could not trust. I don't always understand how Wayne and I have been through our time date, but somehow, we did. My perspective on PTSD (and other mental health conditions) has changed significantly as a result of our relationship. There are huge challenges, but there are also threads that unite to create a silver lining. PTSD can build Wayne's strength is still one of the strongest people I know. As much as I would like to say that your military deployments were the only traumatic events in your life, this is not true. As I've seen how you've handled another trauma since, I've realized how prepared it has become to deal with unthinkable tragedies. Wayne told me that he feels that people can see him as a lack of emotion when he deals with the challenges of life in a way that is more natural for him. Regardless of what he says, I think others find him reassuring. I know you do. PTSD can create empathy It is quite well established that we have the most empathy for people like us. What PTSD has given Wayne is a lot of empathy for others who go through it. In fact, when I was writing this piece, he sent me a list of resources that he wanted me to make sure to include and publish on social media a reminder to anyone who reads that it was available if they need to talk. PTSD can teach us about relationship expectations Regardless of who you go out, you'll have problems if you come in with a preconceived notion of how love looks. To be honest, this is a struggle for life for me, even yet. But my experience of getting out Wayne helps me remember that love doesn't always look like you think it should. PTSD can break down stereotypes I used to have many stereotypes in mind when I heard PTSD mentioned. I'm not alone in this. My friend Anna has PTSD. When I asked for advice on dating someone with PTSD, he shared that it is important to know that each person with PTSD is different, has different triggers, and reacts to trigger differently. Throughout these lines, I have talked to people with PTSD who feel they have not "appeared" their diagnosis because they have not been at war. In fact, PTSD is less about the nature of the trauma than about the size of its impact. Yes, he gives specific criteria when it comes to trauma itself, but the definition is much wider than most of us imagined. People with PTSD are of all sexes, ages, races, professions and relationship status. It's not the easiest thing you'll do, but with some communication and teamwork can be incredibly rewarding. If your partner has PTSD, here are some things to remember. Talk to your doctor or counselor about support groups in your area. If possible, go together. If your partner doesn't want to attend a support group, it may still be helpful if you are alone. It's not your choking job your partner. The frustrations of not being able to do this are probably just getting in the way. Instead, accompany them and learn how you can support them better. Resources are available. Don't brush aside worrying signs, the time to think will heal everything. There are specific phone lines or anonymous chats for , people who have experienced sexual assault or rape, those who were subjected to child abuse, witnesses of violent crimes, and more. Some of these resources include: Suicide PreventionJessica is a writer, editor and advocate of rare disease patients in San Francisco. When you are not in your day work, enjoy exploring and photographing the Sierra Nevada with your Australian husband and pastor, Yama. Last medical review on September 13, 2018 Read this next series of words

Beyond Blue Support ServiceLoginLoginBeyond Blue Support Service. Tips. ActionSupport Beyond Blue Help us improve the lives of people affected by anxiety, depression and suicide. Online Forums Before you can publish or respond in these forums, please complete your profile Before you can publish or respond in these forums, please the Forum membership is open to anyone who resides in Australia. Item: 6 Things I would like to know before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD Hello, My name is Raman and I recently joined Bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I have endured and learned recently. I'm 32 years old, a former depression sufferer for about 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered anxiety and post-traumatic stress. His past wasn't pretty. However she as bright as the sun and covered her scars well. For the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in. I feel like I'm not the only one who's dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that honest message and advice can help anyone who has known similar circumstances. 1) Do not take personal things - Over time I learned not to look through my eyes, but yours. It's the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her angry?' The reality was that his reactions were not a reflection of me, but of his past and what he had endured. (2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take control and plan things. I don't have problems being affectionate and showing that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be aware of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you. 3) Give space - This was very difficult at first. When you meet and start dating someone you like, natural progression is spending more time together and see us often. This was not the case with her and our relationship. They may have a feeling of being overwhelmed and I picked up this and had to learn to give space and take the slowest things from normal. 4) Research - My ex had been raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to make a a lot of research on rape and the side effects it may have on people. She knew she did many research and smiled when she found out and thanked me. 5) Hot " cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next one was going away and shut up. Respect that this will happen and it is when your partner cools, you need respect and you don't take it personally and give space without them feeling bad. 6) Not digging through the past - When I asked, the visual contact went away! We all have a past. Not everyone could be as open as you could by sharing it. I hope this will help you and thank you for reading. Greetings, Raman. Hello Raman A remarkable news post. You took the time for all of our readers to know what they like to associate with a sufferer and how to address the possible ossus that arise. Thank you. Tony WK Hi RandRWelcome to the forums I agree with TonyWK about what a great thread / post theme you've made will help so many readers and posters in the forums I hope you can stay in the RandR forums. You have not only had the experience with depression, but also has a sense of clarity and understanding with this disease too. What an inspiring thread! my kind thoughts Paul Dear Raman As a person who has suffered PTSD I think all you have said is punctual. It's a good summary of many of the things my wife had to do while trying to take care of me. (She also had work, domestic work, caring for our child and more) There's only a couple of things I'd like to add, if possible. (Although the actual number of symptoms may be much higher). First, a person with PTSD may be - sometimes - so disconnected from him/her being they do not know how they feel, if they love, if they can. Fortunately, or I, this period was not too long, although it came and was. The second thing - and anyone who reads his post will have already done this - is that the caretaker has to have not only the strength to continue going in the long term, but also the faith in his own to overcome the impulse to self-blame and feel that they are contribution to his ups and downs partners. There's a reward at the end. As time passed, I came to see my wife and was able to offer more and more the love and care that I had given so freely. Thank you for your position. CroixThanks Ramanyour heart is a care that has put the help you have today(70% of the successes to the beyond the Blue Forums are 'read only' that is good) You have helped more people than you know RamanJust to let you know that you had chronic anxiety from 1983 to 1996 followed by depression during the next 21 years and you know to have quality of life again (90% of it) through a great network of greater support from Paul I just wanted to thank you for your very kind and informative post on things to be aware of when you quote someone who has experienced rape and who suffers continual anxiety and PTSD. I am one of those people! And I really appreciate that there are people out there like you who care, and that you can see beyond the symptoms and low points of those of us who suffer the debilitating symptoms that come with PTSD as a result of rape. It is common for survivors of sexual violence to experience many confusing feelings that create anxiety, anger, mistrust and the feeling that they are not sure. Everyone's response to trauma is a little different, yet I think what the dominant partners need to do is to learn to be patient with them. The 6 points you mentioned in your opening post, all allude to the need for patience. All very true, in my own personal experience. Raman, I commend you for your kind understanding and obvious patience during what would have been an emotionally difficult time for you. It's good to see that there are still some good men out there! Well done. T xxHi Paul, thank you for your response and I'm so glad you've had a support network. Something I didn't have much at the time. Thanks again. Hi T, it means a lot to you to comment and hear from someone who suffered what he did. Patience was, without a doubt, key, in fact, a new kind of patience. Thank you for the kind comments and I hope you're okay and definitely sound like a great person and strong on it :) Hello RandR. I know it's been years since you published this, but it seemed very useful. I just met someone who's been diagnosed with ptsd. You said in your post that the initial stages were difficult and slow and sometimes tried to find out what he did wrong. I'm going through the same thing right now. He had more than a week of silence and im fighting to figure out how to handle the situation. I'm very tempted to come and send a message, but I have the impression that it's not a good idea like this that you say they should come to you when they're ready. My question is, how long it could be especially in the dating phase where a relationship has not been established. Do you have any advice on how I should handle this? Dear MikeySe~Welcome here, for the sound of it you are in a loss of what to do, which is only natural, is not a usual situation. Because I don't know the circumstances that I can't make specific suggestions. All I can do is say about my own experience I had PTSD, outbreaks of depression and anxiety, I still do but they are much less and a I have a pretty good life. When things got bad, my partner took everything, believing it was the cause or the fault. This was just not the case, and she had to have that which explained to her by my psyche, after which she had more confidence. I realize you mentioned apologies, I'd be surprised if you'd done something. Under her a message is good. Although my partner's questions bothered me at the time she was there for me was a long-term comfort. So saying you're there for her won't hurt and she can do something good. Look what his reaction is. I guess the most productive thing that can happen if your friend has PTSD is that he receives competent medical support. I was just getting worse until that happened. I don't know if that's already happening, or if you're not in a position to suggest this. There may be others, their parents, for example, who might be in a better position to persuade her. Please let us know how you're secret Dear MikeySe~In the first place of my apologies, I was a little far away in February and I didn't read your post. I try to put a 'Pesca de Dogs - back in a while' to avatar instead of my portrait :) when I am not here. You think drinking and sprouting is gonna do something good? I don't drink as much as I take too many medicines, however when my friends tend to increase their problems, concentrate on the only thing. The fact that you haven't had a positive response is probably nothing to do with you, but your condition. You're probably right, you see things as barriers, I wouldn't have been raising barriers at that time, just too mentally stretched to be able to cope with someone else and ignored them. I needed to be alone. You don't mind that it's not a good idea, medical and personal support is what it takes - longer. Now we come to the part that worries me, you said, "I'm thinking of surrendering. You mean you were thinking of quitting trying to contact this girl? Or had the whole situation come so low that you were thinking about taking your life? I'm sorry, but I feel like I have to ask, 'cause a lot of relationships are big in their lives. I hope you speak moreCroix Hey Croix, what a very elegant message! Thank you for that. I am not in any way suicidal, so you can relieve your mind on it :) I appreciate the concern however. This girl tells me that the people of my life are blessed to have me, so I don't hear from her for like two weeks. It's a step forward, five steps back and I feel like I'm embarrassed more Hello CJM, I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in. It sounds like you really care about this person and you care about her. I think sending her a message to say you're thinking about her would be a good gesture. She's not asking anything to her, just let her know that you care... I don't think you have to expect any answers if she's still trying to deal with things on her own. But at least he'll know someone cares. I would also like to thank you for restarting this thread. It has very useful information for caregivers. And again I find Croix's words to be so insightful and full of hope. The second thing - and anyone who reads his post will have already done this - is that the caretaker has to have not only the strength to continue going in the long term, but also the faith in his own to overcome the impulse to self-blame and feel that they are contribution to his ups and downs partners. There's a reward at the end. As time passed, I came to see my wife and was able to offer more and more the love and care that I had given so freely. Thanks again. Hello again, CJM, I just reread your post. I realized that he didn't refer to this person as 'he' or 'she' and I'm not sure why I made the assumption that this person is female. So I'd like to say I'm sorry about the assumption. Stay in touch with us Please enter below for regular emails full of information, advice and support for you or your loved ones. Talk to us, we'll aim you in the right direction Call 1300 22 463624 hours / 7 days a week Chat online1pm - 12am / 7 days a week Send us an emailGet an answer in 24 hours Forums online24 hours / 7 days a weekFind out more than usual in: Get support FactsDiscriminationAbout BlueFor. ..

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